Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Caffeine Vampire

I'm fat. Ugggh, that sounds awful. It is awful. I'm huffing and puffing carrying a basket of laundry up the fucking steps from the washer to the living room. Aren't I a responsible adult sitting down and folding the laundry before taking it up the next set of steps? Yeah right. I needed the fucking rest break so I could catch my goddamn breath. Sigh.

No magic fix for this problem either. I know what I've got to do. I've got to exercise. Double ugggh. I've got to eat less of the foods I like and more of the foods I don't. Triple ugggh. I've got to give up my Pepsi. Scream in full on terror like a naked idiot cheerleader who just gave her virginity to the pimply kid now sticking off the end of the harpoon some hockey masked freak used to impale the little pervert.

I love my soda. It's my crack. I start my day with a 16 oz cup of coffee and once I've sucked that dry I start mainlining Pepsi all day long. And I mean it. I often don't wait for a glass and can be seen chugging down a 2 liter whole. My man comes to get me at the train station every day and sometimes he'll pick me up a bottle for the ride home. He's such a gentleman. He gets out and comes around and hugs me and kisses me and opens the door for me. Usually by the time he's made it back around to the driver's side I've already sussed out the surprise bottle of Pepsi he's bought me and downed half of it. Come on, even the fucking bottle says "ahhhh" when you twist the cap. What other beverage says ahhh for you?

I tried before to go off caffeine cold turkey. No Pepsi, no coffee. In less than thirty-six hours I was hiding in a dark cool room with a raging migraine. Light, sounds, smells caused pain to spear thru my head like streaks of lightening followed closely by roiling bouts of nausea. My sweetie grabbed me a twenty ounce pepsi and a handful of Excedrin migraine (has caffeine). In under two hours I had only the cobwebs of past pain lingering at my temples. It may not be as ugly as watching a heroine addict detox but, and you can ask my family, caffeine withdrawal is not pretty. Not one little bit.

The irony is that I have to go thru it in order to get pretty again. Have I said Uggh?

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